never meant to be...

Here are a few of my tips for the holidays... and life

1) Every time a baby cries, a fatman dies inside.

2) When you're down and out, don't lug out the vacum, kill Santa Claus.

3) If you smell like an ashtray, buy a Whopper... maybe two.

4) If your kid made one of those handprint turkeys with colorful construction paper, burn it. The flame should evaporate their tears.

5) Don't spend money on an expensive sportcoat and then whine when somebody tackles you in it.

6) Sometimes, when kids look at adults, they think of ponies. Aliens hate ponies. That's how we know kids aren't aliens... yet.

7) Every time a receipt is printed, a comic book character vomits.

8) Don't name your dog Jack... he'll hate halloween for the rest of his life (and they age 7x faster.

9) Don't ask a tire salesmen... anything.

10) Dyson thinks things should work properly... but what he doesn't tell you in his "cute" English accent is that he hasn't been into work since 1987. Think about it.